dating as a single mum

Posted by bprmum (134 days ago)

HELP! Anyone got any advice? Divorced awhile now and ready to date again. BUT how, where, or eve can you meet men in this town that will even consider dating a single mum? Is it even realistic to hope?

Met a few good guys through friends, work and even 'internet' dating sites, but 90% run a mile when i mention my kids, and not exactly fair to pretend I don't have them.

Doesn't seem a problem for single dads, guess coz they mostly only see kids alternate weekends!

Any pointers welcome. thx

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Find what you are after in our Bangkok A-Z Directory

Posted by axptguy38 (133 days ago)

I know a single mum. She dates plenty.

Hang on the the 10% that don't run. The rest are obviously not worth your time.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Blatant (133 days ago)

I have 2 step kids & my 1st biological due in coming weeks. I met my wife 4 years ago. I was single expat living the dream in HK & I met her on a holiday elsewhere in Asia. She was on a 3 day break from HK with a girlfriend & so was I.

We got on great & I knew all along that she had kids. It was not an easy transition, but if you click with the right woman, having a few kids in the wings does not make a big difference.

I am now working 3 times as hard to take care of everyone. I have much less time to myself, I am financially much worse off & I have NEVER been happier!!

I have friends who have dated single Mums as well. A good man will handle it very well, and benefit from it. An eternal batchelor will be accustomed to a selfish lifestyle & will run.

Don't hide the fact you have kids. Flaunt it as they are who you are. Good luck, stay active & I hope you find a good man

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by IHateSteak (133 days ago)

Hi,

Like Blatant said, the eternal Bachelor will be accustomed to being the "want to have fun" and have not or unwilling to grow up, so avoid those... they'll run at the sound of "you have kids" anyways... be careful of those that pretend to have interest but they are just in it to score, once they have gotten you into the sack, they will move on to another .

There are plenty of men out there that don't mind dating a woman with children, if you have children (which you do), they are a permanent part of your life, there is no way around it. The truth is you have to let the man you are interested in know this from the get go so there is no mis-communications.

If he really does care about you, he will accept anything that comes with you since it is a part of you life, relationship are all about compromising so if he cant accept it, then you find someone else.

Here is some advise, don't just settle for anything, if he is open to you then it is up to you to judge if it is his real side or just a front, believe me, some men are very good at this.. It's up to you to weed out the truth from the "b.s."....

I wish you the best.

:)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wing-on (133 days ago)

I never had a problem dating as a single mum in HK. That was because the men never had any intention of ever being involved with or meeting the children. Like IHateSteak said be careful of those out to score esp with a MILF (I at least increased my vocab). The guys that do runners are at least a level above those. Good Luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by TingbuDong (132 days ago)

I have to agree with the above.

My Chinese GF is a single mom. Shes beautiful and treats me extremely well. She actually paused before telling me and was like. You no like me." Looking very sad and I asked why and she gave me some twisted hard to translate answer about being "spent" or "used" and "done" etc because she cant have any more children. It was heart breaking to learn that she gets looked at like that in China because anyone who ever marries her wont be able to have any more kids with her and to some extent she believes it. It took me a while to explain that I just don't care if she has a kid.

1. Im not looking to get married right now. Future? who knows but not yet and

2. If I ever did marry her and brought her home she/we could have as many more as we wanted. Not an issue and I think for any worth-your while-western guy really shouldn't be an issue either. As put above, the runners are not the right guys. But don't come off as if we need to date your kid/kids, that could be off putting. Until we are together long enough to feel like marriage is a real possibility dirty diapers and vomit in the back seat of our car does shatter the illusion of perfect bliss that needs to go along with the early stages of a relationship. As would a teen' assertion that they hate us 'cause we aren't their real dad, LOL. Wait until we are really in love before you throw all that on us. Be honest up front but dont force it on us too early, you know what I mean...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by papa midnight (132 days ago)

I would echo some of the earlier comments here. I have dated single mums and it was never an issue for me. Sure it's more a challenge but for the right person it's worth it. Just be up front that you have children and if they walk away it's their loss not yours. Don't ever feel that you have to apologise for having kids, someone once said they was not sure I would date someone in their 'condition' which annoyed me somewhat, it's not like having kids means you have some terrible illness! Good luck! :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 566 (130 days ago)

What great advice - particularly from the men who wrote.
I am in the same boat as you and I agree it is a concern but think you need to be realistic and accept that you will need to kiss a few frogs before you find Prince Charming. You dont need to introduce your children to every man you meet.

In the uk there is a dating website called Kids No Object - perhaps we single mums should think of starting one here??

good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bprmum (129 days ago)

tThank you for all your responses... cheered me up! Met a lot of frogs - managed not kiss them though.
And yes I now know what a man looking to score a MILF is...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mark_larsen2 (127 days ago)

Maybe I am a weirdo, but I never understood what is the big deal with single mothers. I mean, I have never being married, I have no kids but I love them. I dated a single mother once and despite the fact things went south it had nothing to do with her kid. I am neither a prince nor a frog, just a normal guy, and I would definitely date a single mother and go to the next step IF she is worth it.

Regarding the kid, and while the ideal situation for me would be to be his legal father in the future (i.e. adoption) I also don't mind to have his/her real father around. I think the most important thing is the kid's happiness, and I have lots of rooms for small people in my life.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by IbuBapek (127 days ago)

Probably the most obvious type of guy to date would be divorced men with kids. Nowadays that shouldn't be that hard to find. Plus it's a natural match as you will have common experiences.

If you're looking for young, hot guys that are single and who are barely adults themselves, then it's going to be more difficult. I don't know any of my younger single guy friends that want an "instant family". Most have dreams of having their own biological children, or no children at all.

Not all is lost, though. Look at Demi Moore. In her 40's with a few teenage kids, and yet she still bagged a young, attractive, popular Hollywood star. Though having said that, perhaps one needs to look like Demi Moore to score that type of catch. How would you describe your looks?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by shirleywbird (125 days ago)

Do you have any female friends?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (125 days ago)

"Probably the most obvious type of guy to date would be divorced men with kids. Nowadays that shouldn't be that hard to find. Plus it's a natural match as you will have common experiences."

Sounds like far too simplistic an analysis.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by aventino (112 days ago)

If we're talking about expat single mums, most that I know of who have come to Hong Kong and then split from their partners/husbands have tended to head back to the country they came from. From my experience, and I am a single dad bringing up a child in HKG, the number of single mums in Hong Kong are few and far between.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dexhone05 (106 days ago)

it depends on what you expect from the dating. if you expect a secure future is harder than if you just want some fun (this is easier, whether you are a single mum or not).

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wing-on (106 days ago)

I dated with the expectation of being considered worthy of a relationship if things went well. Nothing more than that.

I found out men in HK don't often treat childless single women with that respect.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hkwith kids (98 days ago)

wonder if we here set a gathering event for us{single parent} .
dating is not difficult in HK here.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bprmum (98 days ago)

as 566 said maybe there is an opening in Hk for a 'Kids no object' social gathering...might find women outnumbered men 5 to 1 though:)

Actually now had a few dates with guys who didn't have a problem, unfortunately more of the frog variety than prince, but hey never expected it to be easy!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hkwith kids (98 days ago)

that sounds good bprmum , if HK also have 'kids no object' gathering like UK , would be nice.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (97 days ago)

I have had a Chinese friend for many years. She is very attractive, good personality, works in IT, and has a son from a youthful marriage.

I have watched with dismay as several relationships she has had over the years have failed, because the man does not want "another man's son".

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hkwith kids (96 days ago)

its very common in HK here,woods99 . chinese culture problem.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wing-on (96 days ago)

Actually, I have had Western men say that to me too, or imply it at least. One said that my daughter was okay, but my son should be with his father and not him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sue (96 days ago)

Hi - I'm a single working mum in HK - feeling the same way as you guys - I have just joined a single parents group here in HK - come and join, we can meet up with the kids at weekends and have some nights out as well! Check out the website http://groups.yahoo.com/group/singleparentshk

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by PGA (94 days ago)

Hello BRPMUM, OK...where to start...Good on you for wanting to get out there again! It's a huge leap and wonderful when you recognise you are ready. My former husband left me some two and half years ago - our daughter was two and a half then. Have had a few "dates" (coffee only) with men that had known me pre-marriage and knew about my life I guess and that I had a daughter that means the world to me. I wasnt interested in them so that's where those dates ended. Then came the first relationship, two years after we had separated - a fellow some six years my senior with three pre-teen and teenage kids. His middle and eldest were awful children as I found as i got to know them and i ended the relationship primarlily for this reason (among a number of other "deal breakers"). The point I am trying to make here is that should the relationship turn out to be "permanent" as we both thought it would - the thought of a blended family with his children perhaps in the future made my stomach turn. His kids lived with their mother but would be likely, due to study requirements to live with us in the hypothetical future. You need to project into the "could be" future and think about such things.

Re him with my daughter, he had a number of hang-ups about not being able to provide wel at all for his children and my ex looked/s after us superbly so there was always that underlying resentment by him for my ex and this was shown "thru' my daugthter. For instance, once he tersely told her, (she was four), that she couldn't have something she asked for (small toy at a newsagency) because it was NOT her birthday or Christmas. Point here: you also need to look at these types of interactions as they can be a point of contention.

Also, this fellow didnt want me talking to my ex. I ex and i remain good friends. This guy was so insecure about it that he wanted me not to see him at all and for him to pick up and see our daughter outside of our home. These are all things you have to be aware of. I wish I had a small insight into these potential problems - It's awkward when you find someone you really like. Your automatic desire is to make it all work, but just be aware of the dynamics I guess.

And dont rush in like I did - take the time to get to know someone. It was rather seductive for me as having feelings for someone after such a long time felt great and it was too attractive to not grab it immediately. In this case it was out of the fire and into the frying pan.

Take care, be aware. And dont "look" - it will come to you when you are not looking! By the way, i delighted in Blatant's story! Love hearing such things! Good advice all 'round actually.
PGA.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hkwith kids (93 days ago)

thanks for sharing your story,PGA.
and agreed with you about take more time to get to know someone and no rush. now, my children are my priority,and put more time for enjoying hobbies that i like ,dating come last on my list. I mentioned dating is not hard thing to do in hk here,easy to meet people,but would you spend /waste your time for casual dating without commitment,if yes then dating/meet people is very easy for you. but if you do want commitment -serious relationship ,its nort easy.
I like the way that we can meet other single parent,and set a group in hk here. hope to meet other single parent too.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by aventino (68 days ago)

What a great thread. The group sounds like a great idea, hope I can be a part of it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 2008hkxp (59 days ago)

I'd be interested to meet other expat single mums & dads too. Feel free to message me if you'd like to be part of a gathering and we can go from there. I think most of us could benefit from knowing others in similar circumstances.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 1975 (29 days ago)

Hi there, we're in the early stages of planning a class/event called 'Done and Divorced' OR a class called 'Moving on' - helpful tips for people who are re-entering the dating scene after some time away or for those who find navigating the HK scene a bit tricky. There may be two parts to the class - the first where you learn from a renowned US expert and the second part with a more social angle.

It's early stages but if you want to pre-register (we're looking at Jan/Feb next year - that's right - just before Valentines) visit www.getsmarthongkong.com or msg us here.

(I am based in Hong Kong)