You may find this stupid...

Posted by MarieM (477 days ago)

I am in a messy relationship with two man for 3 years and recently I am forced to make a decision/ selection...One is married and not able to divorce in short term and the other one is ready to get married with me at anytime.

People might advise me to kick away the married one...but I finally kick away the single one. Just becauase I choose what I love! Sounds stupid??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by ausiman (477 days ago)

Hi Marie i feel sorry for you as breaking up is hard married or not.It's hard to make a decision about love as love is ever changing. i don't think "kicking away" the single guy is the wrong thing.Not every situation is black and white and sometimes people who are married are just trapped nobody can tell you if you have done the right think or not but congratulations on being strong enough to follow your heart. Good luck.Dazza

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Justin Credible (477 days ago)

Ok....

So you were two timing a married guy who in turn is two timing his wife and then you kicked the one single option out of the picture because of "love"?

*SMH*

I dunno...

Hmmm....

Yep, it sounds pretty stupid. But lets disect this anyway. Single guy knew you were dating married guy? I am sure married guy knew you were dating single guy though, eh? How do you think married guy became the married guy? Coz someone loved him enough to marry him, eh? Yep...he loved someone, he had them love him and thats how he got all married up! Yay!

Mmm hmmm....so basically what I am trying to say is...married guy is good at making you feel he loves you, hell, he probably believes it himself too, after all he's been there before, right? He knows what love is, love strong enough to warrent marriage. Poor single guy hasnt got a chance in hell!

Yeah, poor married guys wife too, bet she has no clue about this, or is married guy the honest, open type? Not the silent type?

But lets get back to your question. Sounds stupid? Sure...but you were two timing single guy and married guy is two timing his wife...so in the great scheme of things you two would seem perfectly matched.

Just the one little thing...the marriage and never gonna leave his wife thing...

Do you feel, in any way...that you are short changing yourself? Do you feel this is the best you can do? Do you genuinely feel happy with every breath you take upon this earth as you carry on with this relationship that is based on lies?

*Shrug*

I've been reading a lot lately, and if the book about buddhism I am currently reading wasnt published back in the 70's and probably out of print now...I may have loaned it to you, but I cant...but...you know? You came on here to think, to get food for thought, not necessarily to solve your problem because the solution isnt going to come from anyone but yourself. You dont feel happy, do you? You are restless and maybe you want someone out there to remind you that there is more to life than just existing in spare moments when he manages to get away from his wife...when he manages to get away from his life.

There is. There is more to life than screwing a married guy. There is more to life than the two paltry choices you gave yourself. There simply is....more to life.

Up to you if you want to be proactive or reactive. Either get up off your a**, do something right by you and really make a go at improving your quality of life (and that means ditching all "full of loving words" married guy who doesnt love you enough to have the balls to tell his wife he doesnt love her) and get on with doing whats right for you. That simply begins with loving yourself more and knowing you are worth it.

Did you choose wrong by ditching single guy? No. Its obvious you didnt love him enough and anything less would have been "settling". But did you chose right by picking the married guy? No. You didnt. You should have chosen whats behind door number three...and that was the option to love yourself and be kind to yourself. You should have ditched them both...but that option is still there, eh? You can still do that.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by GemmaW (477 days ago)

MarieM, the answer is quite simple. You are not suited to either.

1) The married guy would have given you a very clear decision NOW if he wanted to be with you. That is, he would leave his wife/divorce her IMMEDIATELY so that your decision would be easier. He hasn't, by the sounds of it. No such thing as "I cannot" in the short-term. If he doesn't want to lose you during a crucial decision-making time, he would make the move IMMEDIATELY.

2) With the second guy, I'm sure he loves you but the problem is you. You don't love him enough to ditch the married guy. If you love this single guy, you would have been so happy that you've found someone unattached and can get married to. But obviously you're not.

So if I were you, I would just end both relationships and find one that I feel I can spend the rest of my life with.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by black pearl (477 days ago)

How can woman plays with 2 men and pray for her wishes come true. In reality she might get nothing.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hee larius (477 days ago)

stupid is as stupid does

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara_tanaka (477 days ago)

how u can make sure that u can choose the one that you love?...you can do relationship with the two men,because u want to make sure that if you lost the one you have another one...so make sure in the end that u can do what is right,cause regrets is too late...that is always happen...sometimes you can not always use your heart,sometimes use your brain also,not always reason that you love him,etc...etc...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Goloh (477 days ago)

Seems like GemmaW has it spot on. Move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wotever (477 days ago)

I think it really depands what u want out of it.

If u wanna be a mistress then u can continue and don't even need to think about anything else but urself..Just do all the fun but ready to get hurt at the end.

If you expect him to leave the wife and be serious with you..ie getting married and etc...i guess that's not gonna happen.

So just do what u like but prepare for the worst.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by AngelinaShum (476 days ago)

NO! You won't be happy if you get married with someone you don't love. Just love whoever you really love in heart. BUT, please don't force him to divorce, or you are a bad one.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Mrs Miggins (476 days ago)

I think you have done the right thing by ditching the single guy. The married guy is definately the right one for you. He'll probably keep you hanging on forever with the promise of marraige. Heck, he's probably had a kid or will have one with his wife during the time you are together.

Anyone who is selfish enough to ruin a family in turn deserves to be unhappy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (476 days ago)

Aren't we forgetting that the married guy already did that to his own family. I love it that when a man can't keep it in his pants, its the woman thats at fault...I guess it makes wives happier to believe this is how it is though.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by LovelyD (476 days ago)

If I were you , I will choose the single guy because the married guy may not divorce. He may tell you he will or planning to do that but guy can not trust, especially married guy.

I understand you choose the married guy because you love him but will you happy with him in this situation ? Did he tell you when he will divorce ?

Anyway, may be I am wrong ....... good luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by DakLak (474 days ago)

Having a relationship with a married man is a losing enterprise.

You will always be second to the demands of his wife and children - and you left waiting for a call that never comes.

Time to shape up and get a single guy.

(I am based in Vietnam)

Posted by zonked (474 days ago)

MarieM, I my view, you do not love both the guys. As you were two timing on both!!

Neither does the married guy love you, esp. if he knows that you had another guy on the side too. For him it is an easy situation where he feels no guilt either!

At best, both of you are definitely made for eachother, and will continue with your flings even if you got to live with eachother.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (466 days ago)

I love reading JC's response to this post. It really is quite appropiate

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by leg7 (466 days ago)

In my view, you don't love both the guys. You're challenging to see if you can win the married guy over his wife, that's why you chose him.

When a man decides to marry someone, it means that he has made his mind about who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. It proves clearly in your case, he doesn't want to divorce his wife.

If you ask me why he stays with you? well some man want to have a good wife who stays at home, cooks, cleans, produces babies..etc and at the same time he wants to prove that he's still attractive by having someone else on the side. so if you want him to marry you,forget about it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (465 days ago)

Sounds like you're commitment shy, and finding any excuse for real emotional intimacy... first, you have two guys, which is kinda silly when one of them isn't married... then you kick away the available one to lead a life on the edge... sure in the knowledge that you can keep your single life and mystique. I think you are afraid of actually facing what it might be like to live in a real relationship that will expose you deeply. Just my thoughts anyway. Either that, or none of them really love you or are the right one for you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Robbie2007 (395 days ago)

Yes, I think it is extremely stupid. If I were a single woman, I'd take a young, new, single man anyday over an old, used, second-hand divorced man with excess baggage.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by jwm (395 days ago)

interesting comment Robbie, might be good reason why men dump their old used wife for young pretty Asian women, could be just that tpye of attitude that facilitates mens behavior to go for younger more desirable women

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Strawberry_Shortcake (395 days ago)

What comes around, goes around. Stop doing it to other people if you don't want it happening to you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (395 days ago)

Do you guys not think this woman sounds like a total female dog?! I mean, "I am in a messy relationship with two man for 3 years" ... Three years she's been having an affair with some poor woman's husband, and three years she's been stringing along the other guy who was willing to marry the cheating harpie.

I hope the married guy strings her along and breaks her heart because she doesn't deserve anything!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Robbie2007 (394 days ago)

jwm: I meant my statement both ways. If men dump their wives for young, single women because they don't find their current wives attractive, then those single women shouldn't find those men attractive either because they should also be interested in young, single men. I don't single out either gender when I say divorced people may not be attractive to single, never-married people.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by thobacci (380 days ago)

You just dont want commitments :D -I dont want commitments. If I were in your situation I would probably choose the married guy. hehe :D you go girl!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hamptonmagna (369 days ago)

Hey you did the right thing!! Carpe Diem!! Forget all the pious advice on here and get on with whatever your instincts tell you. There is no such thing in life as 'right' or 'wrong'. Life passes in an instant, you have the right to be happy and live your own life.
I am in Shanghai, a Professor at the University of Mystery and Purple Dreams here.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by mel_1234 (361 days ago)

thank you all for the reply to Marie's post. It really touched me and made me cry a little bit. I am a young asian woman who got entangled with a married man without my knowledge. more than three years ago i met him in a very romantic beach resort. in short he became my BF. he said he is divorced for more than five years and is living with two of his kids. it was fine for me coz he is a very loving guy. we talk a lot and it seemed that we are compatible in almost everything: from food choices, job, thoughts, plans, wants, etc. We get along so well and we care for each other a lot. i thought he loved me so much. i thought i am the only one for him bcoz i thought men of his age wouldnt find a smart and attractive young woman like me. To make a long story short: i found out that i am not the only one, theres three more GF i knew and worst is HE IS NOT DIVORCED!!!! and to make it even worst HE PROPOSED TO MARRY ME LAST YEAR AND I SAID YES. that was before i found out about the his other girls and wife. HE PROPOSED TO ME BEFORE I FOUND OUT EVERYTHING.

He betrayed my love and he decieved me from the very start. i feel so ashamed of myself. i felt like wanting to disappear. i thought of leaving him many times but everytime i thin about it i feel so afraid of the process it self. i start thinking of my freinds and family who are all expecting for the big day. i start thinking about whats going to happen to him when i am not there anymore. i am afraid he will be hurt. i dont want to hurt him but at the same time i feel guilty coz i know now that he is married.

i tried talking to his wife but she doesnt answer me. i sent her mails whcih wasnt answered at all. i am despperate and confused.

he said the divorce is getting finalise now but our wedding date is a month away.

FOR MARIE:

ID LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT THE WORST WILL COME TO YOU AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT WOULD HURT YOU.

I AM SUFFERING BECAUSE OF THE SIN IVE DONE. I WENT WITH A MARRIED MAN AND NOW THE HURT I FEEL IS THOUSAND TIMES BIGGER COMPARED TO THE JOY HE BROUGHT TO MY LIFE.

SOMETIMES I FEEL SO UNFAIR BCOZ I GET PUNISHED FOR BEING SO INNOCENT. HE KEPT ME IN THE DARK FOR SO LONG BUT FOR YOU, YOU HAVE AN ADVANTAGE COZ FROM THE VERY START YOU KNEW HE IS MARRIED.

I WAS DECIEVED AND BELIEVED THAT HE IS A SINGLE MAN WHEN I STARTED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM YET I AM BEING PUNISHED NOW. HOW MUCH MORE DO YOU THINK WILL BE YOUR PUNISHMENT WITH THE FACT THAT YOU KNEW HE IS MARRIED WHEN YOU GET ENTANGLED WITH HIM.

kind regards,
Mel

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by RossM (361 days ago)

Hi Mel,

Break off all contact with the dog and cut him loose! 3 other girlfriends and a wife and you say you're a month away from marrying him?

Do yourself a favour and get rid of him and find a single man to date, the bloke is scum.

(I am based in Jakarta)

Posted by rikuhouten (359 days ago)

Mel - foreigners are obviously taking advantage of gullible girls like yourself. Do yourself a favor, in fact, do WOMEN a favor, but cutting all ties to him. He's a cheater, plain and simple.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by concor1 (309 days ago)

not all women want marriage. everyone is different. im so tired of ppl judging others

(I am based in Shanghai)