Shall I leave him or remain the same

Posted by machree (488 days ago)

I have this boyfriend for one and half year. Nice guy. But lately I cannot stop questioning myself. Shall I leave him or remain the same.

I like him and maybe love him. He treats me nice as well….But sometimes I do feel he still care himself more. Always “I want to have my space; I am too tired; I want to watch this movie; I want to stay at home tonight” And we seldom go out for a walk or shopping or movie or whatever.

I am an independent girl but sometime still feel nice to be with someone you like. Even we’ve been GF and BF for one and half year, I still can feel the distance and don’t have too much common between us two. To be clear, I cannot see the future.

As Chinese, I really hope to have a nice romance and a happy ending…This is not a fling…maybe I wish too much...

Dear guys, any suggestions are extremely welcome.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Find what you are after in our Bangkok A-Z Directory

Posted by Pupalicious (488 days ago)

Machree, I think you need to give more details, like how often do you see him in a week? Do you spend the weekends together?

My boyfriend used to say the same things (until I beat him into submission) but that's just men. If you've been together a year and a half, why don't you move in togehter? Then he can do his thing and you can do your own thing, but you'll still be togehter.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by machree (488 days ago)

Pupalicious, we normally spend one night in the week days, 1 or 2 days in the weekend...(feel sad to say this) If I want to be more sticky, he will I need see my friend blah blah blan...sometimes he wants to bring me, sometimes he will refuse since that a BOY's night...

I don't know why we don't move together. He said he's worried about his privacy & space problem...(he's foreigner) and I don't know what to do...

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Miss P (488 days ago)

He's not that into you..sorry it had to be said.He is not contemplating serious relationship or marriage either- is that OK with you?What do YOU want? oops you said that
'As Chinese, I really hope to have a nice romance and a happy ending…This is not a fling…maybe I wish too much...'

Back away -now! before you get hurt...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (488 days ago)

Miss P I think you're being far too negative. I did move in with my boyfriend after 1 yr of our relationship, but we were lving with his parents. Nightmare for me cos I'm western, but apparently that's normal for Chinese couples. But he said he wasn't ready to move out with me on our own. Now my patience has paid off and we've moved out and have a lovely flat together.

How old is he, machree? Maybe he's just a bit immature. Guys always want to see their friends or hang out with other people. Just show him what a fantastic time that he can have with you. At least he spends the weekend with you, that's a good sign!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by machree (488 days ago)

I am getting lost in this relationship...maybe Miss P's right...he's just not that into me...maybe he's immature.(he's late twenties)I still want to work on this relationship but just don't know where to start and how. I do feel lonely and tired. Thanks Pupalicious for the cheering up...

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by test (488 days ago)

i had similar experience and at the end he and i separated. i agreed with Miss P, better to retreat before u get hurt.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by goldenleaves (487 days ago)

Your comment, 'I'm getting lost in this relationship', is a very insightful view of the situation, Machree. You are realising that everything is happening, 'on his time'.. or according to his schedule...

I wouldn't dump this guy just yet unless you really know you need to be in a more dependent relationship. I feel you ought to stop being so dependent on him. I don't think he wants you to move in with him just yet, or not until you show him that he can still be his own person... I think that would make him run. I think he wants you to have more in your own life.

If you are not capable of filling in the gaps in your own time and life, then someone like this is not suitable for you. You may need a lot more attention, or someone who shares the same interests you do. That's okay, many people do, and manage to find someone who is the same.

Keeping a relationship going is all about compatibility... not just attraction. You are feeling he is not converging with you, and so you can't define your life properly... You don't sound compatible, but it may be you just need to focus less on him, and more on yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sam_123 (487 days ago)

machree, is the underlying problem your desire to marry but this guy hasn't showed any such intention? Might be a clash of culture values here, him being a western fellow and you an Asian with, let me guess, thoughts of getting-married-living-happily-even-after? Asian women tend to be more conversative in relationships.
If I guess right, simple solution: discuss your desires with him and ask him what he hopes for for the two of us in teh future.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sam_123 (487 days ago)

Another thing, machree, don't cling. Men, especially foreign men, like their women headstrong and independent. If you are the clingy sort, go find a nice Asian man. Asian men as a majority like to feel they are taking care of their women and they don;t mind if you call them every day to talk about nothing. They are also generally more ready to commit.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Miss P (487 days ago)

Which is what I was trying to say...if it is being negative to warn a nice young local girl that she needs to find out this expat guys intentions given that her own are to seek a commitment then ...?Westerners do not necessarily equate a relationship with implied commitment and there are plenty of threads on this theme...
I also was meaning by saying 'back away' to take back some personal space and time to give an indication as to whether this guy will pony up - not abruptly dump him or run away.You are right in that he deserves a chance to state his position.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zelda (487 days ago)

you see each other once during the week and then spend the whole weekend together....and you are not happy?
I assume you both work, and have an independent social life...that doesn't leave much time for each other. I would suffocate if my bf wanted to spend more time with me.
I think you should be realistic...you are not in high school anymore. Why don't you go out with your friends, see your family, read a book, enroll in some evening course, go to the gym instead of expecting your partner to fill all your free time?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by machree (485 days ago)

I guess you guys are right about me "should be more independant and realistic" I am not that sticky and I have a life, but once I get some free time, he has the priority...I will try to fix the thing and wish the best...

(I am based in Shanghai)