stay or leave 1/2 cheating husband

Posted by lost101 (493 days ago)

My husband recently admitted to me unwillingly that whilst away on business trips sometimes he gets a "happy ending" massage.

Is this considered cheating?

I feel really bad cuase it's been 9 months and I still can't seem to get over it, I can't show any affection towards him and I just feel sometimes it might be best to leave except for our young baby that we have.

Can anyone tell me if I'm over reacting to this as I know he didn't sleep with anyone and he said he was always drunk at the time and it didn't mean anything but I still feel like sh*t when I think about what he did.

What to do?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by idingstay 2 (493 days ago)

It is pewtrid and I would want to kill him but I don't know that I would leave either.

I just don't know why some men just can't get by without screwing things up sexually.

I'm sorry for you and NO you are not over reacting.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by garlee (493 days ago)

You have my sympathy and empathy - I have been there and yet whilst I couldn't forgive my partner in some senses, it did make me realise how much I loved her. Different situation though. Like all these posts, its difficult to advise when you you can't see the quality of your relationship. You could say that his actions are a strong indicator that things are not all well, but sometimes they are an indicator of an individuals weaknesses, not the inherent weakness in a relationship. He did tell you after all. Did he ask forgiveness or was he blase and uncaring about it?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by lost101 (493 days ago)

We have been married for 9 years and things were fantastic until this happened and since he told me he has been begging for me to forgive him and asking what he can do etc and said nothing like this will ever happen again. I said I wasn't sure if I could stay and he was so scared of loosing not only me but his child as well so I think he is really sorry, its just the part were I have to show effection is hard cause I keep thinking back to what he did with someone else.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by garlee (493 days ago)

It must be so difficult. I can't advise really. I wouldn't have credited it, but when it happened to me I went the other way - are we hard wired differently as men? ... think perhaps we may be. Its those selfish genes again!

Whilst I can understand human frailty and the so called 'weakness of the flesh', I don't get why he told you! What did he hope to gain? Was he hoping for redemption through confession - was his pain to hard to bear? Shit sorry - its a bit voyeuristic to speculate rationally when you must be going through it so much. But surely the question is how can he atone? What can he (and you) do to make it feel right again? I know that when I had to deal with my partner having an affair, it made me feel better to read everything there was going about the issue of infidelity on the web. But everyone's different. Any advice that floats into my head seems patronising. The bottom line is you need to deal with it - together. Relate (do they have that in HK?), personal counselling, stopping his business trips (or insisting he rings you every night from the hotel) - I really don't know. My cousin is a psychologist and he even suggested that every time I did a mental mind movie of what my partner had been up to with her man I should pinch myself hard. Is this aversion therapy? Think so. Sorry I can't help!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by idingstay 2 (493 days ago)

The term "happy ending" makes my skin crawl.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by garlee (493 days ago)

The other issue of course is peer pressure. I have been a bit shocked since I've been in HK - the number of men who seem to think that this kind of thing is not 'cheating' - it is all part of being a modern business man in asia. Its embedded in the (post-colonial or colonial??) culture (not asia's culture I mean the business world). The thing that goes in your husband's favour is that he was decent enough to tell you and recognise that he had been an arse.

Sexual ethics is as complicated as sexual jealousy is painful.

Still recognise this wont help much -

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (493 days ago)

you should get used to that and fast!
there is no way that you can prevent it from happening again. as a man, it is extremely difficult to resist. anyway, i am not going to elaborate on that, i'm sure most of you will not agree with what i said. again, you have to be practical and be able to dissociate what is a pure sexual act and affection.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (493 days ago)

i mean IF you want to maintain your marriage. once he got the taste, he will continue to do it. If you pressure him hard, he will stop for a while and then will do it but this time he won't tell you anything. So at the end, you will want to divorce. but it would be a mistake to divorce just for that. divorce if he falls in love with another woman or if he doesn't give you money, but don't divorce just for a simple sexual act!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by garlee (493 days ago)

Thats fine Hoyo - but would you stay with a woman who routinely had sex whilst away on business trips and then just said 'get used to that'? I don't want a ruck on 'lost101's thread - but have a heart!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by goldenleaves (493 days ago)

I'm with you Garlee... I just don't know why he chose to tell you this 'happy news'... What's it all about...?

If it is guilt that he wants to unburden then, for what purpose? So he can do it again? I just don't know...

The serious thing is it's effect on you. You can't be his conscience... I'm inclined to think with Garlee that it is not a problem with your relationship, but an individual weakness... perhaps with alcohol... I think he needs counselling. Garlee's right... there's no excuse really... and this general disrespect for women - seeing them as just serving his needs - creates in the long term a person who is unable to know true intimacy (i.e. empathy and loving) for a woman.

Maybe if he had counselling, you would feel more comfortable, and the bridge could mend. I would say he should forget about having massages at all if he knows he can't control himself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by garlee (492 days ago)

Yes - it is clear to me that if you 'act' by forgiving, then there has to be some re-action from him. In other words he has to commit to doing something - by going to counselling, by declining any offers of trips away or in some other way. The issue to do with your disinclination to show affection is totally understandable, but unfortunately it is something you will have to overcome. The issue of trust is a different matter; that has been broken and can not be re-assembled overnight. This is where he has to work really hard.

Please don't worry about the 9 months that have elapsed since you found out - you have every right to still feel outraged and unloving towards him. Please don't feel that you are overreacting. I once knew of a man who, on finding out about his wife's infidelity, left her (and his three kids) immediately and only returned once a week later to spray the living room with pigs blood! That is over reacting!

Think about everything in terms of your baby.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (492 days ago)

of course, it's not good for either side to have sex with a third party BUT that's life, it never works as you want to.
woman can control better (in general) than man when it comes to sex. don't want to eleborate but woman is more cerebral than man who is more visual. which means, man can seperate sex from love. it's more difficult for woman.
Now coming back to marriage, it's a tough contract to respect specially for man. oh man, i'm not going to explain further. But one thing though, at the end what makes or breaks a marriage is the money side. sexually, it will go down with time, and the woman will learn to adjust and take comfort in the material aspect of life. First will be the emotional side, the normal reaction will be to divorce then if and when the woman has financial independence then she will divorce otherwise with kids and no income, she will think twice before leaving the husband and what happens at this end, is the husband will leave. Again, it is extremely important to have the financial independence.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (492 days ago)

I think OP needs to ask herself a couple questions.

1, Do I want to be with a cheating husband?
2, Do I want my child to grow up with a father who pays for sex?

For me, a man who pays for sex is worse than a cheater, but a man who pays to cheat. That's gotta be pretty bad. I have to be honest, I'm a bit naive and I'm not sure exactly what a happy ending entails. I hope I never will find out.

Just to dispel Hoyo's incredibly negative opinion of men, my boyfriend recently went on a business trip to San Fran and he did NOT cheat, nor pay for sex, nor anything! He did go to bars and hang out, and he did forget to get me a souvenir.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fennel (492 days ago)

Your husband paid a prostitue to do a sexual act...if that isn't cheating I don't know what is.
How do you think your husband would feel if you went for a massage and the naked man who massaged you naked then did a sexual act upon you, not once but many times. Do you think he would be happy about that and be able to forget about it?
Get rid of the creep!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (492 days ago)

Papalicious, how do you know he did not cheat? Were you with him. I am sure he probally did not, but, you say it with such confidance, I just had to ask how you know for sure

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (492 days ago)

high probability he didn't cheat. too expensive and less accessible in San Fran. I don't think he's that stupid to either admit it or to pay 10 times more what he can get in asia (and better service also)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (492 days ago)

Women have a gut instinct. The sad thing is too many of them ignore that gut instinct.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zelda (492 days ago)

in my eyes paid sex is a less serious offense than having an affair. Sex workers offer sex, are not interested in your man...i would condone the occasional 'massage', but would have no pity for man who cheated after flirting, exchanging emails, sms, going on trips with somebody else, etc.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (492 days ago)

Lost101... You said he unwillingly told you about the "happy endings", how did it come up then??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by lost101 (492 days ago)

he was acting really weird then told me he had to go to the doctor when he found out he had caught a STD so he had to tell me cause then I had to get checked out too and when I didn't have it and he did it all came out. There was no intercourse involved in his cheating just oral but still I felt dirty and like I lost a huge part of our relationship overnight.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (492 days ago)

Hmmm, you don't get STD's from happy endings, or oral.I imagine that he went all the way, unprotected, which is very irresponsable.You are being played

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (492 days ago)

Your man, with another woman, involved in whatever way -- IT IS CHEATING, FULL AND COMPLETE, NOT HALF! Period!

What you do about it, is of course your take.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by idingstay 2 (492 days ago)

I have to tell you, you can ABSOLUTELY get std's from oral sex, please google and you will see the ugly truth.
Even using condoms, they leak from the top as wekk, not just when they are broken and they are not that safe either. And, women lubricate so where do you think that goes? It goes on the man

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by marieantoinette (492 days ago)

The only thing he could've caught from oral or h.e's would be thrush, or I guess, herpes and both could be explained away. Methinks it's not the whole truth..........

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by lost101 (492 days ago)

it was a form of herpes and I looked it up on the internet and asked doctors and it comes from a females throat so I do believe him when he said that that's all that happened.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (492 days ago)

You just have false hopes, lady.... very few men come out with the whole truth. My experience. When it can't be totally denied they just give you the bare minimum details supported by great arguments!

Wake up... you sound very naive.... how young are you? Is this your first relationship?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by idingstay 2 (492 days ago)

Everyone knows mouths spread germs. I thought Happy Endings were only by hand.....by do I have a lot to learn.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by @@ (492 days ago)

I would suggest both you and your husband get some conselling, first indivdual then togehter if needed. If you want to save your marriage then I think he must "really" understand what this has done to you.

Also, there are many STD's which can be picked up with oral sex - including HIV.


I think Dr Melanie Bryan is excellent (if you can afford the $1500 per hour - well worth it).

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (492 days ago)

JC is right, women know these things about their men. Some men don't cheat, it's a fact! There are some men out there who do know right from wrong, and know how to treat their significant other with the respect that they deserve!

What OP needs to decide is if her husband did that, and if she wants to put up with this behaviour!

Why do men cheat and pay for it when they can get the same service from home for free?!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sailinghome (492 days ago)

couples counselling definately sounds like the best option if you ask me... at least you might be able to get to the bottom of your feelings for each other... Good Luck.... Friends have used Resource counselling in Duddell street, it comes recommended...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (492 days ago)

I think, if he takes such a risk, and almost gives her an STD, it shows a total lack of regard and incredible disrespect. At worst an STD can kill you, at best it can leave you infertile, and he took that risk with her life? Do you think such a man deserves a second chance?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by AngelinaShum (492 days ago)

Forgive once, may lead to a second and third trial. Men are always like this, keep on challenging women's limit. this time is massage-sex, next time will be drinking-sex....unless you really trust he will NEVER cheat you again, and define again the meaning of "cheat" because men may think having sex with other woman is not cheating.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by zonked (492 days ago)

Sailinghome -- I did not know you need counselling to get to know your feelings for eachother!!! That shows how far apart you are!

The guy is untrustworthy if he doesn't use protection or in anyway makes his wife vulnerable to any disease. Cheating is only one blunder he has committed.

Counselling will probably help to find out what is wrong in his head... issues from childhood or some serious setback/shock in life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sailinghome (492 days ago)

Zonked: my comment was based on the fact that lost101 does not know what to do... she feels she should be with he husband but does not know whether she wants to be with her husband, and to find that out, I thought that counselling may help.

Lost101: I do agree that what your husband did was very wrong, but I (personally) think that everyone deserves a chance... we all do really stupid things that we regret, and if after some counselling you decided that staying in the marriage is not the right thing, I wouldn't blame you... but to end the marriage now without even trying to save it for everyone's sake, including your child, is in my opinion a very drastic decision to make. you've obviously tried to help yourself get over it for the last 9 months and it's not worked... maybe it's now time to see if someone else, outside the marriage, can help..?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MiniPepper (492 days ago)

Totally understand. My man cheated on me a year ago and he keeps using prostitutes. I know i should dump him but i'm still very in love with him. I agree that men once taste that, they just can't resist. Although most of them would ask for forgiveness and promise they wouldn't do it again, these are just sugar coated words. What we get will be disappointment and hurts.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by churchill (492 days ago)

I think everyone deserves a chance...God always give us a testing time...To seek for counselling is a very good move...Friend of mine had a similar situation once, and they fixed it through counselling...He told me it takes a very long time to build up a trust with his wife...it's worth doing the hard way...He is a happy man these days...

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (492 days ago)

I am sorry folks but I am just laughing my a** off here! OMG, you made me crack up with that comment. Woah, I dont think it was "not big" of you...I mean, sheesh, a shemale??? Yeah, totally barking up the wrong tree and then some! Lol.

>Minipepper - dump him, it will save you a world of disappointment and hurt.

>churchill - did your friends wife cheat on him bigtime? Coz I dont get what he was working at if he was the one bonking everything with a heartbeat. I'm sorry but the way you make it sound its like that guy from Greys Anatomy calling someone a fag and then checking himself into rehab for it! Its totally daft coverup stuff.

Oh what a cruel world we live in, eh? haha

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by goldenleaves (492 days ago)

Well... this explains why he had to tell you about the event. I'm very sorry you had this awful experience. It is bad enough to know he was unfaithful, worse to know that he put you also at risk in this way.

I have to say, many Western men in Asia, or who travel to Asia completely disgust me. That is not to say that men elsewhere do not do these things, but the prevalence of STDs here is so high, and many run amok here, feeding a sex industry that does exploit women here, and also taking all sorts of nasty stuff back home to their wives, girlfriends, and other unsuspecting lovers.

What to do? Do we throw them all away? Re-educate them, or what?

I think it would be a start if men themselves started to put pressure on other men not to engage in this kind of self-destructive behaviour. This kind of "If you drink and drive, you're a bl**dy idiot" campaign that worked on peer disapproval did create better attitudes to drinking responsibly in Australia.

Men need to unite against this kind of behaviour, reject it as undesirable, not only harmful to women, but ultimately very harmful to themselves...and start providing better role models for their sons.

Lost 101... you have a child... perhaps this is the tack you need to take with your husband. Really ask him if these are the kinds of values he wants his child to emulate? Ask him to define himself and his values... make him think about who he really is... Forgiveness is meaningless without some inner change.

He was sprung... this is where his 'honesty' has come from. Do seek counselling. The problem won't go away without serious work.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (492 days ago)

Hear ya on that goldenleaves and great advice but the menfolk here do seem to encourage each other and facilitate a lot of extra curricular activity… and the fact it seems a standard offering on business trips… let alone the abundance of willing and wanting hoes who proffer it whether professional or not.

I do not know what the answer is… I for one would not wish to be married to a man in Asia and expect him to be faithful. And I know that is rich considering my history but I seem to have picked up some morals… thanks folk.

Lost101: sorry to read about your sickening situation… I am not married with a child but I for one would not wish to go down there again after what he purchased and IMHO any relationship without that pleasure is not a real relationship anymore. Best of luck anyhows.

And to all the menfolk out there… please do not go there. Cheap thrills with cheap women are not worth it at any cost.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by OMG (492 days ago)

Ed - why on earth you deleted my comment? I didn't insult anyone.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (492 days ago)

one thing also and i don't want to scare you off. it is not that easy to catch a STDs. you have to be extremely unlucky to get it the first time you do it. For example herpes. as you know it is disappears and comes, it's not there all the time so in order to get it, the woman must have it at the same time.... low probability. so does it mean? it means that there's a high chance that it is not the first time that the guy "did" it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by churchill (492 days ago)

Justin Credible (Part Deux) - Well actually he cheated on his wife...

We are not perfect, and we all make mistakes...But if you are not willing to forgive then shouldn't be involved the relationship in the first place.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by goldenleaves (492 days ago)

Churchill, I agree the ability to forgive is a necessary trait in any human relationship. However, forgiveness isn't effective unless it is genuinely sought and deeply appreciated.

Fortunately for me, I've never been in this situation. Luckily, my husband never gave me reason to feel either insecure or suspicious. I am fairly (if not totally certain) that he didn't stray in nearly 30 years. My sons have benefitted from seeing a masculine man who acted integritously in everything he did. His father, and his grandfather were the same... generations of the most upright and honest of men.

Girls... if you want to choose a man, check out his father.

If Lost101 can forgive this man, I commend her, but he needs to do something to earn it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zelda (491 days ago)

I thought that the 'happy ending' at the massage parlour involved the use of hands...i wouldn't tolerate a man who pays for sex without using the most basic precautions and puts his partner's health at risk. Oral sex is no safer than intercourse...that's why they invented fruit flavoured condoms.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (491 days ago)

oral sex is safer than intercourse. In theory it is the same but in practice, somehow the saliva has some "cleaning" effect. Haven't read anyone got HIV thru oral sex. HIV is not that easily transmitted also but it doesn't mean you shouldn't play safe.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (491 days ago)

don't say that. it has always been the same problem since forever: what is real information and if we should tell the truth or fabricate slightly to have the public attention. that is very true with HIV. And before you bombarde me with your insult, please have the proper information first.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by churchill (491 days ago)

goldenleaves - I agree...Forgiving your mate does not mean that you condone his or her actions. Rather it means that you feel and work through all your feelings, and then eventually find your way back to seeing your partner as someone who is human, just like you.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Pupalicious (491 days ago)

I think forgiveness in a relationship is important when he forgets your birthday cos he's under pressure at work, or he doesn't pick up the dry cleaning when you're too busy to get it, or he casually mentions you put on a bit of weight this year, or he does something equally stupid.

I don't think forgiveness should even come up when he almost gives you an STD because he got oral off some dirty hooker! (I say 'dirty' as she was diseased.)

I'm sorry, but he paid for something he could get at home, and he got an STD from it. DTMFA!

(I am based in Hong Kong)